“Serious allergic reactions and liver problems may occur.” I Thought I Was Healthy Until the Commercial Break

By Jim Pfiffer

I’ve reached the point in life where I’m afraid to watch television commercials.

Not because they’re loud, repetitive or repeat the same jingle 110 times.

I’m afraid because every commercial tries to convince me I have a disease I’ve never heard of.

Drug companies spent $6 BILLION on TV ads last year and I’ve seen $5.9 billion of them.

The people in the commercial always look healthy while kayaking, hiking, gardening, laughing like they just won the lottery, and they are shown slow-motion hugging their grandchildren or pet dogs. 

After an evening of TV, I’m convinced that I have lupus, eczema, plaque psoriasis, Type 2 through 12 diabetes, psoriatic arthritis, soreass arthritis, Mesothelioma, Mesopotamia, moderate to severe Crohn’s disease, moderate to severe everything, and inflammatory bowel disease.

I’m not even sure where my bowel is.

Let’s not forget Peyronie’s disease, a condition that causes a very personal part of my anatomy to get bent out of shape. When the hell did that condition arise, and what did Peyronie do to cause it? Did he run into something hard?

In the old days, it was allergies, cold, flu and acid reflux. Now, the drug companies have invented diseases that affect every part of my body. 

I need to ask my doctor if turning on my TV is “right for me.” 

Years ago, commercials tried to sell you things like pickup trucks, breakfast cereal and toothpaste.

Now, every other commercial begins with a smiling couple walking through a meadow while a soothing voice says something like:

“Do you suffer from moderate to severe Acute Chronic Fatigueleoma Syndrome?”

Immediately, I start thinking, “Well … I don’t think so. But then again … I do get tired sometimes and I like walking through fields.”

Next thing you know, I’m sitting there Googling “early symptoms of ‘Fatigueleoma Syndrome’” and wondering if I should take a nap or update my will.

Who the hell comes up with the drug names – Ozempic, Skyrizi, Dupixent, Wegovy and Mounjaro (isn’t that a mountain in Africa?) 

Half the diseases and drugs they mention sound like someone threw a medical book into a Scrabble game box.

“Ask your doctor if Zorblax is right for you if you have chronic reversible nocturnal arm tingling disorder.”

I didn’t even know my arms were supposed to be reversible.

But the real entertainment begins when the announcer, speaking at twice the speed of light, lists the side effects.

“Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, rash, insomnia, muscle pain, hives, blisters, flat tires, diarrhea and constipation at the same time, blurred vision, tunnel vision, television, swelling of the tongue, speaking in tongues, speaking with a forked tongue, swelling of the legs, hands, feet and egos, sudden confusion, loss of balance, inability to fight infection, inability to turn off the TV and, in rare cases … death.”

They’re telling me I might die, but I’ll be smiling in a kayak or walking through a meadow when it happens. On the plus side, death is a surefire way to get rid of your disease.

The announcer adds: “Call your doctor immediately if you experience chest pain, swelling of the tongue, loss of vision, foaming at the mouth or mange.”

Now I’m sitting there wondering if I should call a doctor or a veterinarian.

A commercial for an antidepressant (let’s call it “Fugitall”) says the drug may cause “thoughts of suicide.”

So, let’s say I’m terribly depressed, but not to the point of ending my life, but when I take Fugitall, it makes me consider suicide as a way out.

That’s a prescription that won’t see many refills. 

Then they hit you with this nonsensical, “Do not take Fugitall if you are allergic to Fugitall.”

Well, that seems like useful information to learn after you take it.

Then they add the one line that always worries me the most: “May increase risk of serious infection.”

Excuse me? I was just trying to get healthy. I didn’t realize I was signing up for the medical version of Russian roulette.

Then there is this warning for women: “Tell your doctor if you are pregnant, plan on getting pregnant, or are dating someone who has gotten to third base with you.”

Some nights, I turn on the television and feel perfectly healthy. Then a commercial comes on and suddenly I’m thinking: “Hmm … I have been blinking more than usual.”

At this point, I’m convinced the safest thing for my health is to avoid television commercials entirely, or shoot the TV (the one time that it is OK to shoot the messenger).

Either that, or start taking a pill whose only side effect is turning off the damn TV.

Get more of Jim Pfiffer’s columns at his “Full of Wit” blog https://fullofwitblog.wordpress.com/. Learn more about illustrator Filomena Jack at www.FilomenaJackStudio.com.