“CAN’T LOSE” METHOD OF PROBLEM SOLVING: LIVING “WIN-WIN” 24/7

By Dr. Jim David

It goes without saying that we all like to be treated with respect. In relationships where one person dominates or rules the other, the subordinate person will most likely feel some negative emotion such as hurt, resentment or disrespect. Oftentimes, the dominated person develops subtle or blatant methods of retaliation. Subtle or indirect retaliation is termed “passive-aggressive.”

The pattern of people taking turns winning and losing in a relationship is unrewarding. Ultimately, it constitutes living in a “lose-lose” relationship. As mentioned, we all like to win or be treated consistently with respect.

THREE PREREQUISITES

Some people believe it is impossible to consistently live in a win-win relationship. Actually, such relationships are achievable, but three prerequisites are required.

The first prerequisite is having a positive loving relationship with one’s self. Love gets manifested, operationalized, or put into practice through being accepting. The more self-loving, self-accepting, or self-validating we are, the more we are able to be loving, accepting and validating of others. In brief, relational healthiness requires personal or individual healthiness.

The second prerequisite is having a caring or loving relationship with the other party, who could be a spouse, parent-child, or nation to nation. There obviously are many necessary ingredients to having an ongoing caring relationship. Suffice it to say that “a relationship is like a house built on sand; it has to be rebuilt every day.”

The third prerequisite is to make a decision/commitment to live win-win. Reaching win-win solutions takes a lot of time and patience because win-win solutions most frequently aren’t immediately or readily apparent. That is what motivated Dr. Thomas Gordon in his book, “Parent Effectiveness Training,” to devise the following six step process.

SIX STEPS

The first step is to define the problem or situation to be solved or resolved. If you state the problem in a win-lose manner you will get a win-lose ending. For example, if you have one car and you define the problem as one party gets the car and the other doesn’t, you have a win-lose ending. The correct or effective first step is to define the problem in terms of the underlying needs. A definition of love is that you care just as much about the other person’s needs as you do your own. Ideally, at least until you’ve fully mastered this skill, write down each person’s needs so you can see and refer back to them. In the car example, one party might have a need to go to a medical appointment and the other might have a need to get a hair cut or take a relaxing drive on a scenic road.

The second step is to brainstorm as many solutions as are possible without judging them. This is very difficult to do because, as human beings, we have an instantaneous response of immediately judging proposed solutions. When we corral or set aside our strong judgmental tendency, we open the mind to produce fresh, new, creative solutions. A reasonable goal is to produce 10 to 20 possible solutions. This is an intensely rewarding process for all concerned.

The remaining four steps are less challenging than the first two. The third step is simply to evaluate the list of possible solutions. The fourth step is to select one or several solutions that are genuinely acceptable to both parties. Both parties must simultaneously be self-valuing and flexible or open. The hidden and magical dimension is love. When both parties feel loved and respected by the other, each party will be flexible, accommodating and responsive. When caring or love is not present and manifest, rigidity and close-mindedness reign supreme.

The fifth step is to operationalize the win-win solutions by agreeing to a specific plan that answers these types of questions: Who? What? Where? When? How often?

The sixth step is to agree to a future time and date to meet and reevaluate the agreed upon win-win solution. It might need revision, fine tuning, or redoing the entire six step process may be necessary. 

CLOSING

My wife and I raised our children in a win-win manner, and we use the same skills in our marital relationship. From a lifetime of living “win-win,” we know it works!

I urge you to read one of Dr. Thomas Gordon’s books, each of which contain the same basic communication skills. Read the one that is most relevant for you: “Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)” ; “Teacher Effectiveness Training (T.E.T.)” ; “Sales Effectiveness Training (S.E.T.)” ; “Effectiveness Training for Women (E.T.W.)”; “Leader Effectiveness Training (L.E.T.),” and “Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.)”.

Dr. Jim David is a retired psychotherapist in Silver Springs, MD, who adheres to positivity in all areas of life. Learn more about the personal, spiritual, and executive coaching he does at www.askdrdavidnow.com or email [email protected].